Because I Can’t Smile Without You
So, I think I’ve got myself a nice case of PPD (postpartum depression).
I’ve got a lot going on right now. Something (almost certainly RA related) is wrong with my right foot. Is it a flare of RA, a prednisone induced stress fracture, both? I’ve been feeling the financial squeeze of a mostly unpaid maternity leave, a husband without a full-time job, medical bills, and vet bills. My smart, loving, little boy has morphed into a smart, loving, defiant, and surly 2.5 year old who resists sleep with the passion of a committed freedom fighter.* And then there is Henry, my sweet mellow little baby who seems to have the misfortune of a nasty case of reflux. I had a foreboding sense while he was still in utero that he would be plagued with reflux. The fetal Henry would get hiccups multiple times a day, every day, with a force that would shake his little body and my womb greater than that of his kicks. And now out of the womb, hiccups and reflux he has. He’s been incredibly fussy, arching his back, spitting up or vomiting after every meal, clearly in pain. Not even nursing has eased his spasms. On the contrary, a couple of weeks ago he began to scream in the middle of his feedings. The only times he seemed reasonably comfortable while awake were a brief period of perhaps 15 minutes in the morning or sometimes while being held fully upright. I could try to come up with something witty to describe the long evenings and nights the past few weeks but I just don’t have the energy. Let’s just say it has sucked and leave it at that. With all the pain and discomfort he has been in and the fact that we almost never get to look at him face on (see: must be held fully upright ) he wasn’t smiling at us.
There is a saying that “if Mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy”. The truth for me is “if baby ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy”. I have really needed Henry to smile. Needed to know that he is going to be ok. Finally, six days ago, Henry cracked his first real smiles for us and I found myself smiling with him. If Thomas’ first smiles were like finding a beautiful, perfect pond of water to drink of, not even knowing that we had been thirsty, Henry’s have been like finding a stunning oaisis in the desert after weeks of wandering in thirst.
Today was a good day, but I still feel like I am in the dark, thick woods of parenting. I am surprisingly good at managing the mechanics of two children – what I thought would be difficult while I was pregnant (getting us out the door, shopping/going to museums, etc. together, making sure everyone is well fed). But I find myself blindsided by how difficult it is to meet the emotional needs of two mama obsessed little beings. I haven’t yet figured out how to bond with and stimulate an infant while simultaneously disciplining and mothering a preschooler. Right now we’re just taking things one small success at a time. But thank goodness for the smiles. They help more than any drug, any amount of money, or any amount of sleep ever could.