Oh I Feel So Broke Up…I Wanna Go Home
On Monday morning I go back to work. Work “outside the home” as they say. Need I even say that parenting is the most taxing work I have ever done, inside or outside of a house? I knew going back to work again would be hard. It was the first time [with Thomas] and I assumed it would be the second time. I had hoped that this go ’round might be a bit less hard, however. At T-5 days that doesn’t seem to be the case. I find myself filled with dread. The first few months of Henry’s life were spent alternatively enjoying my perfect little family and battling a deep long-standing depression. Most days I barely held my head above water only to drown in an ocean of tears nearly every night – exhausted, emotionally pulled in opposite directions by two demanding little people, and physically battling a resurgence of my rheumatoid arthritis. Now, I am on much more solid footing. I got therapy. I got help from family (a deepest thank-you to my in-laws who took Thomas for about 36 hours every week during the summer). I got some regular exercise. I got some sleep. Most days I now have my head above water and am able to keep it there. But I am scared that I won’t be able to juggle it all once a job is added back in and that I will sink once again. And oh how I know I will miss my kids. Henry is still so little that it seems he changes on a daily basis. The longest I have been away from Henry since he was born was three, five hour stretches. And by the end of those five hours I was literally speeding down the street to get back to my sweet boy. I don’t want to miss a moment of his all too short babyhood. I don’t want to “feed” a machine three times a day rather than my cuddly baby. Thomas may be older but I love spending time with him, listening to his stories, watching him make new discoveries. Everything is made all the worse by a job that I have no passion for. I could see taking time away from my children if my job meant something to me and I was making a positive impact on the world, but I don’t think pushing numbers in a spreadsheet or massaging PowerPoint charts count as soul fulfilling work.
I have to go back, I have no choice. We really are doing fine financially, still living below our means, but as long as we live here and desire such niceties as prescription drugs and a roof over our heads I have to work. I am beyond happy that I only have to go back three days a week rather than full-time. I am in awe of the mothers I know who go back to work full-time with young children – it must be almost unbearably difficult. Ever the planner, I’ve starded to gather the things I will need for work: my laptop case, boxes of milk storage bags, updated pictures of the kids. This has, of course, not escaped the notice of a persecptive prescholer and yesterday Thomas stopped suddenly in mid-play, turned to me and said “I’m sorry, Mama”. “What for?”, I asked fearing something along the lines of a toileting accident. “I have to go work” he replied with a heavy sigh and a look of dejection, but he then added brightly “I will come back”. Next Monday I have to go to work, but I will come back. I will always come back. And my heart, well, it never really leaves home at all.
September 24th, 2009 at 6:07 pm
I’m not 100% sure why, but I couldn’t get through reading this to Mike without tissues and several stops to control my sobs. Being a good Mom (and you are a great Mom), is very hard. It is adventurous, energy draining, emotional, fun, exciting, and hard work. I think the reason this hit so hard was that it brought back so many memories. Jeff was such a great baby and toddler, full of curiousity. I loved being his Mom every minute of the day, but financially, we needed me to work. I tried going back to the bank (where I worked previously), but it was not fulfilling and the day-care was awful. Then I became pregnant with Gregg. Now what? I needed/had to be with both my children. Well, I decided to get my Day Care License and watch other children so I could be with my children. It did work for a while and Jeff found some new friends, but it too was very hard on me, Mike and Jeff and Gregg, especially since I tried to actually do art activities, pre-K lessons (colors, numbers, ABC”s) , movement time, story time, etc. with the children instead of letting them run amuck! It truly is very hard being a Mother and working. I am so sorry you have to do both.
We loved watching Thomas this summer and I wish we lived closer so we could help out more often. We love You!!!
September 24th, 2009 at 8:16 pm
Grandma Marie and I will have to 2nd Linda’s comment, That old ballad and the beach boys rendition always came to my mind when the transfer or the call to have us move came and I would go ahead without all of you and get to that new place where we we going and after a day I would start missing you,Tony, Sara and Mom.
It was very hard to leave you behind as I missed you and how you all grew. That song would pop into my mind and I would put on the beach boys tape (this dates me). I would sing the song think of you all and figure out a way to get home to see you. You will miss those great little boys but know that you will go home each day and that you will just love them more. Jeff will have good times with them and they will love you just as much even if you are working. I wish Mom and I were closer and you know that if you need us we are here for you.
On a lighter note Mom said Thomas is now reading signs while riding in the car, I
love it VON’S or as he said VUNS. Just remember you are a great Mom and wife and that when you get into the Prius each day to go off to work there is a large S on under your work clothes and that for SUPER MOM.
Love your Dad and Mom and give those boys a hug
September 25th, 2009 at 11:49 pm
Hey Gina,
So sorry to hear you have to make this choice. And so sorry I couldn’t be there for you (at all) on baking day. Hope the cookies were at least a distraction…
love,
Diane, Marj, Lilly and Iris
September 29th, 2009 at 9:14 pm
My dearest friend,
My heart aches for you. I know all too well how difficult it is to make the responsible decisions. I thank God every day that I have been fortunate enough to have the boys with me when I have to work. Sometimes I don’t think that is any easier because they are such handfuls on their own, but I fully know what a blessing it is to have the time that I do with them. There is no easy way to make it all work, but it is a blessing for you and Jeff that he gets to spend time with them on his own too. There is something about the Dada, son, brother relationship that is precious and it is fantastic that they are developing such a strong bond at this early stage of life. I do wish we lived closer so I could be of more solace to you. Know you are in my heart, thoughts and prayers.
Lovies,
Arora
October 3rd, 2009 at 8:55 am
Dear Gina,
I was so very lucky that I didn’t have to work for over 10 years when you and Sara and Tony were growing up. We did have to give up some things. We rarely went out to eat, and we had to shop at discount clothing and food stores. I also didn’t get to have a career. However, I know I did the right thing. With Dad’s job, being a 24/7 job, I really shouldn’t have worked – I had to be a single parent sometimes. Anyway, it all turned out OK. There are pluses and minuses either situation your’e in, and I’m sure you and Jeff will emphasize all the good parts of your life. Kind of like living in the midwest. Sure, we had cold winters. But it really made you appreciate the nice weather MORE that you had in the summer. I’m sure you will take full advantage of your time together even more. Wish we were closer so we could help you more like Jeff’s parents. We’ll see you soon! Love, Mom