Mendolonium

So, I’ve been back to work for one week.  It’s going about how I expected it to.  I left the house on Monday morning to pleas of “Mama, don’t go!” from Thomas.  I arrived at work to find hundreds of emails and mandatory sexual harassment training waiting for me.  I found out that I will not be resuming work on the mind-rottingly boring project I had been working on before I went out on leave which is good news.  I will be working on at least one project which will actually utilize some of my skills.  Overall, I actually enjoyed Monday…an excuse to wear high heels and pearls, eight hours of quiet, and solo trips to the bathroom.  Apparently eight hours was enough for me, however, and on Wednesday night I had a mini-breakdown and contemplated scenarios under which I could avoid ever going back again.  Short of bank robbery, there are none.  To add more fuel to my fire of guilt, on Thursday morning Thomas found a stick in the yard and told me “This is my money.  I will give it to you so you don’t have to go to work.”  On Friday I called in absent…a friend offered us free tickets to Disneyland that had to be used that day so in a moment of carpe diem we went and had a great time spinning around in teacups and consuming copious quantities of ice cream.

One thing that surprised me last week and that I am dreading this week is the lying…the false, “work-appropriate” answers that I have to give in response to my co-workers inane questions.  To wit..

Co-worker:  “You must be so glad to be back.”

What I say out loud: “Yes.  It’s good to be back.”

What I say in my head:  “No, I’ve cried three times in the last twenty-four hours over the thought of being here.  I miss my kids.  I miss my house.  It’s boring and lonely here.  I want to go home and bake some cookies…and then eat them…lots of them.”

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Co-worker:  “Two boys.  So are you going to try for a girl?”

What I say out loud: “We’re happy with our boys.”

What I say in my head:  “We’re happy with our boys.  We are so lucky to have healthy children.  I would never wish that they were anything but who they are.  And we are going to have more children, but that’s none of your damned business and we will be thrilled with whatever gender we get.”

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Co-worker:  “Oh, you’re only part-time.  But you’ll be coming back full-time soon…”

What I say out loud: “Yes.  I am not sure when, but that’s the plan.”

What I say in my head:  “I’ll sell a kidney for cash before leave my baby five days a week and come back to this job full-time.  Maybe if it was a job I love, but this is not it.”

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Co-worker:  “Good to get back to work and use your mind again?”

What I say out loud: “Being home is surprisingly challenging, but yes it is nice to do some technical work again.”

What I say in my head:  “You are an idiot.  Being at home with two small children is a never-ending challenge.  On top of the kids, I writing a cookbook, maintaining a mini farm, writing, grading papers for my husband’s chemistry and geology classes, and applying for fellowships to get me the hell out of here.  I use my mind far more at home than at this job.”

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Ahhh, it feels better to tell the truth; even if it is just to my blog.

This entry was posted on Sunday, October 4th, 2009 at 10:07 pm and is filed under So What Do You Want to Be When You Grow Up?, Theodore, Thomas. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.