Mendolonium

“Make sure you take care of the older child first.  The baby won’t remember being ignored, but the older child will.”

Probably the most oft given advice to parents expecting their second child.  And quite possibly the biggest, stinking, steaming bullshit pile of advice I have ever been given.

Thomas, Jeff, and I are each the oldest child in our families.  When I was pregnant with Henry I wondered how our new baby, our second child, might feel about his place in our family as he grew up.  In many ways he would have a fundamentally different experience as compared to his older brother.  Henry will never be the “only child” – over his life our focus will always be divided between two (or more) children.  Yet Henry has the benefit of more experienced, relaxed  parents.  I vowed that, to the maximum extent possible, I would not treat either child differently based on their birth order.  Thomas would not be made to grow up faster simply because he was going to become a big brother.  The new baby would never be “ignored”.  I even went so far as to ask Jeff’s younger brother if, as a second child himself, he had any advice for us.  I remember thinking about our new baby and how deeply I loved him – I couldn’t bear the thought of him ever feeling neglected.

It was easy to make a promise while pregnant, when balancing two children meant telling Thomas he needed to wait a few minutes for a story while a morning sick Mama threw up her breakfast in the kitchen sink.  One year into Henry’s life, I still feel as if most days I am almost physically split in two:  one half of me constructing Lego creations named “Helicopter Ski Face” with Thomas, while the other half of me sprints after a bored Henry seeking out the dog’s water dish.  The truth is, while love might be infinite, time and attention are not.  Thomas is often getting half of the attention that he was prior to Henry’s birth.  Henry is getting about half as much one-on-one attention as Thomas did at the same age.  But no one is getting ignored – most certainly not the baby.  Neither boy will consciously remember how we always picked them up when they stretched out their little arms to us, how we helped them back to sleep each and every time they woke up, how we celebrated their every milestone.  But I believe that the things we do for our children are as important from day one as they are on day 1000.  It isn’t about making a memory, but about making a bond between us.

We all have our needs and in a family we all help each other get them met.  Henry’s cries are always answered – just as his brother’s were before him and his hypothetical siblings will be after him.  Thomas requests for a cuddle and a story are always honored.  I try to keep the boys playing quietly while Jeff is catching up on some much needed sleep in the morning.  Jeff  takes care of the boys while I exercise.  It’s important for them to realize that grown-ups have needs too.

Lately keeping both boys happy and engaged at the same time has become easier.  This week when Thomas and I sat down to build a Lego tower, Thomas spontaneously offered to “build one for Henry to destroy first”.  I smiled and hugged them both.  They may not remember but I think they’ll both know that in our family no one will ever be ignored.

Tell me about bad advice that you have received?

This entry was posted on Thursday, April 15th, 2010 at 3:42 pm and is filed under Theodore, Thomas. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.